Fuck him. I don’t need someone to bring me happiness — it’s all about me and MY own journey and God’s plan for me. And he has nothing to do with my future. And I’m enlightened.
I do hate thinking about him but yenno what, time will heal my distressed heart. Time away from him is what I’ll treasure most. Fuck his kindness. Fuck his friendship. Fuck his fakeness. Yes I wish the best for him in college because that’s the person I am but the line ends there because the difference is that I see the silver lining out of it along with the circumstances I am currently in.
I am fucking solid. Work your magic on your other girls, not me. See what I do when you work your ways. You have no idea what I’m capable of overcoming.
I don’t want you in my life once I start anew. I don’t think I’ve felt so much better after realizing this.
I’ve regained motivation. This is gonna be my own journey with no one hindering my decisions and feelings. It’s gonna be a good summer. It’s gonna be a good future. #optimistic
I don’t even care if you read this. I just need to get this out of my head.
Okay I think that because he knows I have feelings for him, he’s toying around with them. The stare down/point down. Him checking me out apparently. Him holding my hand and giving it a little tickle. Him picking at my waist. Him in my seat at the truck, high fiving me, and holding my hand after. Him hugging me when he was about to leave, and me honestly clinging on and I wasn’t sure if he was clinging on too when he asked when the next practice was. I had my sunglasses on and everything so I felt shielded but I liked being up close to his face like that and him looking back at me and me just holding him… I think that’ll honestly be the closest I’ll ever be to holding a boy like that in a coupley manner. I was trying to play it cool beneath my shades… I really can’t control myself and I hate myself every moment because he’s doing the same to other girls. Moral of the story is that he’s toying with my feelings because he’s a nonchalant player.
I am in no way of defending anyone right now so I am just speaking for myself. You don’t deserve a girl like me. I’m tired of falling for your love struck ways, and I was so stupid to have let you make me feel like this yesterday. What ever happened to “treating me the same?” Does that mean manipulating my feelings and using them to see the desired reaction you’d get from me? Do you like feeling wanted? Does that bring you pleasure? Screw your pleasures and stop being so selfish. Do you even know that this shit is something I now constantly think about? You don’t because you seem to be a shitty ass friend to me and not care about my well being.
Our talk at the marina was something so genuine of you. I kind of thought that after that point, maybe you’d make more of an effort to talk to me because I made you my escort and everything, and we shared things I thought we’d never share. I thought that if I started talking to you more, maybe something could happen since the year was ending. Was I naive? Yes. (Past tense). The cotillion would have been the icing on the cake if something happened. And I admit, I fantasized about you being more than my escort. There is responsibility there and I expected you to handle that or in other words just be a special friend towards me since I am allowing you to be a part of something so big and monumental in my life and you didn’t take that to heart. You actually took my friendship for granted because every time I tried inquiring about your day, you didn’t want to care about mine because you were so oblivious. (I guess I wanted you to care more because I knew the type of person you were. But that’s an expectation that let me down and a lesson I didn’t get to learn till recently. I can’t expect things out of people because I’ll always be disappointed). At that point in my life, yes, I admit that’s when my feelings were at my strongest for you. But after our clean slate business I didn’t know what to think about you or your friendship. You being different with me yesterday at practice is so two sided of you. You act one way with me, and another way with other people. You don’t have feelings for me, but yet you did those things during practice. Who are you? Be straight up with me, I can’t handle BS.
You are beyond fake to me and I hate how you make me feel loved and disgusted by your presence at the same time. And the funny thing is that we aren’t even fucking close. “Quality of friendship” my ass. Define a friendship for me because to me, it’s when two people genuinely care about each other. I overly sadly care about you. How do you feel about me? Tell it to my fucking face. Quit the false signals. Be yourself to me, not fake. Cut the flirtatiousness. If you really don’t have feelings for me then stop giving me false hope.
You know that I still have some feelings for you and being on that clean slate was MY effort of trying to start anew. You at practice just shows how vulnerable I am to you and since I am a introverted deep person, I am confused as shit right now. And you don’t deserve to make me feel this way. You are jeopardizing the meaning of a clean slate because of yesterday. I didn’t want any drama between us and you know I still have little feelings for you. So today I see how manipulative you can be. It is so cruel and unfair of you to know that since I still have feelings for you, you allow yourself to show some interest in me yesterday which isn’t really friendship standards to live by. It was more than that. Friends don’t check each other out or hand hold for so long. Unless I really don’t know how it feels to be friends with someone then you tell me. I define that as acts of flirtatiousness because you have me wrapped along your little finger with your ways.
I was never thinking about you this way until I wrote that letter. Ever since that point things happened that I regret. All in all, I regret my decision of keeping you in my court. I regret writing that letter. I should have never initiated anything because look where it got me. And no, I am not stressed. I have the clearest mind ever right now and I believe in what I feel. So you can’t say that I’m wrong because you aren’t taking any of the blame. Yeah you saw how ungrateful you were to not be thankful to be back in my court but you know there’s some more underlying meanings behind that. I know you read between the lines. Your little gestures of seeming thankful are so fake to me. I feel like your putting up a front so that you can satisfy me and not disappoint me or my mom or something. Or maybe your oblivious to how deep I take things and my expectations of you are just too high. I wasn’t checking you out. I wasn’t initiating anything yesterday. You were. I initiated the letter. The talks. Because I thought it was important to let you know how I feel. But where is your role in that? Do you even care about how I feel? Or am I just too invested in you and you just are taking advantage of it? Because we aren’t close and you not talking to me affects this big time because it makes you think that it is all in my head. You doing these things to me is not acceptable in my book. You’re basically sending me false signals with yesterday and it makes me mad. Angry. But not stressed, because I do not want you to be a hindrance on my life. There’s a difference between anger and stress. Stress sticks to me like a parasite, picking away at my sanity and the clearness of my skin lol. Anger is just a heated feeling that is always triggered when I think of situations I am put in.
A part of me yesterday thinks that you actually do have feelings for me. But I keep forgetting that your doing the same shit to your other batch of girls. But then something tells me that if I keep working at something with you you’d eventually turn around and see me for who I am and appreciate me. Oh wait I forgot, you don’t initiate any conversations with me. You failed as an escort. You were replaced because you failed and because I needed that new slate. Kicking you out of my court originally was to not have feelings for you anymore. But I needed you, and I’m ashamed to say that I needed you… And that I still want you to send me these signals so that I can temporarily feel how it feels wanted by a boy. God I am so stupid it’s ridiculous. See I thought you’d like to know everything. I thought that maybe you’d like to ask me how I feel, just in general. But since you can’t even talk to me but can talk to your other girl(s)… I just really don’t like you right now.
Knowing the person I am, I demand respect. So I always want to be right in situations. After analyzing everything, I have no fault in this at all.
See since you don’t want me, I find myself comparing myself to other girls. Which is stupid. Because I’m literally fighting for you. I’m fighting for something I can’t have, something that is literally poison. I thought you were going to ask me to prom but that’s cool bud. What do you want? I want you. But I know that you aren’t even good enough with this shit you’re putting me through. I hate myself. I am disgusted by myself. With who I am right now. I don’t know who I am. Please college, I’m yearning for a new slate for MYSELF… I’m torturing myself by having you in my life.
I hate how you make me feel. And I hate how you don’t see any fault in your actions. Fuck you.
(After rereading this I see how conflicted and complicated I am. Oh well I don’t give a fuck.) #freeflow #nodistractions